Well, we went to the neurologist last week and all of Shawn's tests were normal (EEG, MRI, blood work). We still do not know what has caused Shawn to have two seizures. The doctor is confident this is something he will grow out of in a couple of years. Since he has had two seizures the doctor started him on medication. Evidently once you've had two seizures you're more likely to have more. He has to take the medication twice a day for two years. If we can go two years without a seizure then we can stop the medication. The neurologist gave Shawn a diagnosis of Idiopathic Epilepsy. Which basically means he's had at least two seizures and there's no obvious reason why. I also learned that the term epilepsy doesn't mean a disease or a condition, it's a descriptive term that means someone who has had two or more seizures. So saying he has epilepsy just means he's had at least two seizures. I also learned that about 70% of children diagnosed with epilepsy have idiopathic epilepsy and they never find the cause and most of the time the kids just grow out of it and never have another seizure again.
Those are the facts, now onto the emotions. How did we get to the point where our child needed a neurologist? Why is this happening? What is causing the seizures? Will he have more seizures? When will the next one happen? The anticipation of the next time is the worst part. I'm a nervous wreck when I wake up in the morning and around nap time at school. Shawn's seizures have only happened in the early morning right around the time he's waking up (around 7-7:30). The doctor said this is the most common time for people to have seizures. I constantly pray when I'm going to sleep, when I wake up in the morning and between 2-3:30 in the afternoon.
So, since the last seizure on June 24th I've been reading Max Lucado's book, Fearless. Here is what I've learned that has helped me:
- The Bible is full of stories of worried and concerned parents (Mark 5, Matthew 15, Mark 9)
- Christ never turned away a concerned parent, after all, our kids were his kids first!
- The Bible tells us to go to God on behalf of our children (Lamentations 2:19), "Pour out your heart like water before the face of the Lord. Lift your hands toward Him for the life of your young children."
- We can't protect our children from every threat in life but we can take them to the source of life. We can entrust our kids to Christ.
- I absolutely LOVE this paragraph:
"God has a heart for hurting parents. Should we be surprised? After all, God himself is a father. What parental emotion has he not felt? Are you separated from your child? So was God. Is someone mistreating your child? they mocked and bullied his. Is someone taking advantage of your child? The Son of God was set up by false testimony and betrayed by a greedy follower. Are you forced to watch as your child suffers? God watched his son on the cross. Do you find yourself wanting to spare your child from all the hurt in the world? God did. But because of his great love for us, he did not spare his own Son but gave him for us all. So with Jesus, God will surely give us all things." I completely see God differently, more compassionate, more human, more like a father.
- It isn't all sunshine and roses. Sometimes your prayers do not get answered the way you want. "God hates death." So much that he abolished and conquered it! This is a scary and painful thought but it does happen! Keep giving your child to God and at the right time in the right way God will give your child back to you.
- Feed your fears and your faith will starve. Feed your faith and your fears will.
- Jesus faced his ultimate fear with honest prayer.
- Yann Martel describes fear like this (and it is oh so true!), "I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear, disguised in the garb of mild-mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt does away with it with little trouble. You become anxious. Reason comes to do battle for you. You are reassured. Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. You feel yourself weakening, wavering. Your anxiety becomes dread... Quickly you make rash decisions. You dismiss your last allies; hope and trust. There, you've defeated yourself. Fear, which is but an impression, has triumphed over you.
- So, how do you conquer fear? "You must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you."
So that is what this post is about, I'm exposing my fears. I'm shining the light of the Lord and my faith in God upon them like a flashlight. I know there are still dark shadows lurking in the closet but I plan to pray my way through them and seek refuge in the words God has given to us for comfort, "For I know the plans I have for you, declare the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
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